Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Not Naked Chihuahua

The Torture Chi

The Torture Chihuahua struck again last night.

Even though I am off this weekend, my sleep schedule remains on hospital time, so I fell asleep at 2 a.m., walked Ruby at 4 a.m. and at 6 a.m. was awakened by the shriek (as in, that's just how chi's bark) of......... The Torture Chihuahua.

Step One:  I took her out to piddle.
Step Two:  I gave her a treat
Step Three: I put her in an empty, but coveted dog bed.

I returned to my bed and within mere minutes - she shrieked again.  I got up, and tried:

Step Four:  A drink of water?  nope
Step Five: Another trip outside.  nope.  Which, of course, mandated another treat.

Back to the still empty, but coveted dog bed.  Back to my still warm and welcome person bed.  And within mere minutes - another shriek from the The Torture Chi.

Trying to keep this ruckus contained so as not to awaken Gordon, who also does nighttime shifts walking Ruby (our mastiff with cancer mandating hourly trips outside), I decided to follow this little bugger to see if she would lead me to what she wanted.  Obviously, she has never seen an episode of Lassie as the loyal collie leads June to the well to rescue Timmy.

Maddie just stood there doing her "rat on a glue board" imitation - one of her best, by the way.  And yes, I do know what a rat on a glue board looks like -- remember, I was a poverty attorney in a ghetto office, so I knew what rats, rats on glue boards, and dead rats on glue boards looked like.

We stood like this for 15 minutes just looking at each other.  Like the show down at the Okay Corral.  Finally, I caved and broke Pet Rule Number Two of the White-Powers Household.

Pet Rule Number One, by the way, is "no dogs, no cats, no hamsters, no parakeets, no goldfish - no pets period."  When folks who know this rule ask Gordon to explain our three four legged furries, he says, "they are concessions."

Pet Rule Number Two is: NO DOGS ON THE BED EVER.

What to do?  After the Mexican Stand Off, the only other thing I could think of was to take her to bed with me and hide her under the covers.  She thought that was fun, but wanted to lick the inside of my eyeballs and up my nostrils.  I tried to shield my face but her frog like little Chi-tongue was fast and insistent.  And then she got tired of this kind of torment and shrieked to get down.

At this time, forty minutes of dog-wrestling, mentally, psychologically and physically had passed and she was still in the lead.  I grabbed her, my pillow and a bed throw and we stormed over to my living area and onto my loveseat sofa.  In my haste, I passed the thermostat -- and boy did I later wish that I had kicked up the heat a little since the sofa was cold, and my cover was just a throw....but I understand that shivering burns calories, and besides, I was not getting up again, even if it snowed on me.

The minute we laid down together, before I could even get my throw over the majority of my squished up body parts, The Torture Chihuahua fell soundly asleep.  Unfortunately, she pinned my right leg in an unnatural position and I started to lose feeling in it.  But I was NOT moving for fear of waking her again.  I would have chewed my leg off first before I would risk awakening her.

And then, I sneezed.....all of the eyeball and nostril licking had started an allergy attack: sneezing, watering and itchy eyes, itchy throat.   My Zyrtec was just down the hall, just past the thermostat, but again, I was NOT going to move and risk another attack from The Torture Chi.  I was almost welcoming an anaphalaxic shock to kill me -- at least I could rest on The Other Side.  How did she die?  Suffocated by The Torture Chihuahua.

Finally, I heard Gordon get up at 8 a.m. to feed the pups and The Torture Chi trotted off happily for her breakfast, and I dragged myself back to bed for a few more minutes of sleep.

As you know, it is the policy of this blog that all posts have to be approved by Maddie Sue, who is now sleeping behind me in the chair resting up from her escapades.  Her response once I poked her and made her read this post:  "aren't you over-reacting?  I just wanted to be by you on our special couch -- the one we share when you come home from work?"  I gave her my steely eyed, one eye brow raised penetrating glare to which she replied:  "whatever" -- yawned and went back to sleep.  I am deeming this blog post approved by Maddie Sue, most commonly known as The Naked Chihuahua.